Here at Snitty&Snotty.com we believe in telling it like it is. If you don't like to hear it like it is, and prefer "running thru a field of dew-dropped daisies" approach to P.M.S., then don't go any further. This site contains blunt talk and adult language which may offend those of a delicate constitution!

Warning!! Certain sections of MAKE ME LAUGH contain ADULT humor. Go no further if you are under the age of 18.

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Words Women Use                             

:: FINE ::                                                               
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they   
are right and you need to shut up.  Never use "fine" to describe how a   
woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.        

:: FIVE MINUTES ::                                                       
This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes that    
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's
an even trade.                                                           

:: NOTHING ::                                                            
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing"  
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards.  "Nothing" usually signifies an  
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine.'              

:: GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) ::                                    
This is a dare.  One that will result in a woman getting upset over 
Nothing and will end with the word "Fine."                               

:: GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) ::                                         
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care."  
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed 
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" 
when she cools off.                                                      

:: LOUD SIGH ::                                                          
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often     
misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and   
arguing with you over "Nothing."                                         

:: SOFT SIGH ::                                                          
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement.  "Soft Sighs" mean    
that she is content.  Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she   
will stay content.                                                       

:: THAT'S OKAY ::                                                        
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make  
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.  "That's Okay" is 
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

:: GO AHEAD ::                                                           
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.                                                             

:: PLEASE DO ::                                                          
This is not a statement, it is an offer.   A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing      
whatever it is that you have done.  You have a fair chance with the truth,
so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."                     

:: THANKS ::                                                             
A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint.  Just say you're welcome.   

:: THANKS A LOT ::                                                       
This is much different from "Thanks."   A woman will say, "Thanks A 
Lot" when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have   
offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will   
only tell you "Nothing."

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and java cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife a long the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Hormone Hostages

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband or boyfriend!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What's bothering you, honey?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of milk with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe

Things to Say at Work

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-f**k you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"(priceless)
3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a f**king people person!"
7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self- control"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like sh*t. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
28. "If a**holes could fly, this place would be a f**kin' airport.

The Next "Survivor" T.V. show

HEY LADIES WHAT DO YA THINK??? NAH! THEY'D NEVER SURVIVE IT FOR THE 6 WEEKS.....

The next "Survivor" TV show:

* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 wks.

* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

* There is no access to fast food.

* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

* They must attend PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."

Top 13 things P.M.S. stands for

13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
1. Pass My Shotgun

Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong... but I will show you how to do it properly. " She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, ... stepped closer to Jane, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees."